Alright kids, time for Jake’s Life Lessons. I strive to not be preachy, but… ah… well, fuck it. I’m constantly preachy, so listen up. You may be asking me “Well Jake, without morals, and without religion, what drives you? How can you possibly derive any sort of purpose or set of guidelines from this existentially void life?” So, uh, you may not be asking the last part, but I think it adds drama to the post. Besides, I don’t feel like hitting the Backspace key. To answer the former, I draw guidelines from three simple rules that I’ve gathered as a product of way too much free time and a brain that ignores reality to contemplate potentially idiotic notions. It’s fun sometimes.

First! Have Fun. This one’s simple - the hedonistic imperative, the child’s philosophy; if it isn’t fun, don’t do it. Try to take it in stride though, since we’ve all gotta do things that suck sometimes, like go to work clothed, avoid drinking and drugs that we can’t afford because we have to eat, etc. (Although, an argument could be made for beer as a sort of liquid diet with a fun side effect.) If you don’t enjoy what you do in the long run though, try something else. You’ve got one life, enjoy the pointless existence while you can.

Don’t Harm Others. This goes in line with the essence of my nihilism post from before - do things that help others, and they’ll be more likely to help you. Harm them, and they’ll probably make sure you get fucked over in due time, provided they survive. It’s not always a direct relationship, and sometimes harm is necessary in order to accomplish the greater good. Meh, this one’s complicated and hard to stick to with so many exceptions, so make of it what you want to. Try Nerf guns.

Don’t Be Stupid. This can’t be stressed enough. If you need safety labels in your life to keep you from licking light sockets, it might be time to change your life. Hell, you probably don’t visit this blog, and most likely have a hard time with this magical blinky box full of naked people. No worries there.

Know this website? Chances are you might be an idiot.

In all seriousness though, just don’t do stupid things. The less stupid crap you do that puts stress on others, or the less stupid crap you say, the more likely you are to enjoy a long and fruitful life. If you aren’t sure if you’re stupid, you should probably check out this interesting article. (I know it’s old, but I saw it again today on [H]ardOCP and laughed.)

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. I had too much to do today to come up with something wittier. Enjoy your newfound life goals though.