Blargh… gahuh…. I love you like a brother, mayn…. *coughs uncontrollably* Gahuh… You know, I never loved your mother.

That’s right kids, its the day after St. Patty’s (though just barely,) and here at Table For Jake, we’ve been drinking since yesterday morning to bring you nothing but the best posts for the new year, or the second coming of Jesus, or whatever St. Patty’s is supposed to represent.

So, what do we have for you today? Pseudoscience, my stumbling chums, specifically in the form of what annoys me most - perpetual motion machines. These, while lacking in the ability to defy all known physics and common sense in general, churn out morons like there’s no tomorrow.

Let’s take a look at some common perpetual motion machines:

• Here’s a classic one on YouTube. It turns out that it works if you spin it, then the magnets take over temporarily. I’ve got something that does that. In fact, it actually produces energy. I like to call it an electrical generator.
• This dipshit actually wasted enough time and effort (and probably money) to cost him his family. It runs based on magnetism (as far as the initial article describes,) which means it’ll run out eventually. Sort of like the family that he’s supposed to love and support did. Glad he’s got priorities.
• A great (although outdated) list of “free energy” and “perpetual motion machines.”

Now that we’ve got a background, let’s get to why these are so popular. First, they go against the established and the known. If there’s anything a culture likes, it’s counterculture. Everyone wants to see the stereotypical stuffy professors stupified and shocked by the simple and sociable inventor (someone better send me $5 for alliteration on that scale.)

Second! They support the little guy. We’re a culture that, despite our massive conglomerates and international corporations, still pretends to root for the underdog. Everyone wants to see the little guy win.

Third, fourth and fifth: It’s St. Patty’s Day (or the day after, for my loyal readers.) Let’s just skip the rest of the reasons and stick with what we’ve got.

The problem with all of these machines is easy to see: they don’t hold up well to scrutiny, often citing suppression from the stuffy white lab coat guys, g-men, or whatever people are prone to see as bad people or “the man.” I don’t like the government any more than the average libertarian anarchist, but I don’t turn to conspiracy theories when my ideas fail, either.

So, take a physics class or three (if you feel like you’re not bored enough as is,) find out how people hide motors and other gadgets inside these machines, and be skeptical - if it sounds too good to be true, it most likely is.

In the words of this brilliant man, “This still allows perpetual motion machines to be built — just not designed. If you succeed in building one you’re guaranteed to be unable to explain it using the known laws of physics.”