So, after a hiatus of epic proportions, I’m back. I can list a ton of reasons, such as finals, then visiting family, work, building a new computer, etc. - but all you need to know is that I’m new and improved! I don’t know how, really, but accept it. With this in mind, let’s get to business.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot more of these so-called “investigative reports” that show the “hidden dangers” of various products we use every day. Notice the quotes, kids? Those indicate high levels of bullshit. These reports will claim everything from MSG alone making people fat to criminal minds being bred in video games (personally, the latter’s a huge shocker to me. See here for sarcasm.)

I’m not going to criticize the people who look at this crap and believe it. They’re hopeless to begin with. Any stupidity in that quantity with that pervasiveness is permanent. However, those retards need to step up and keep their kids from being the same existential wastes that they turned out to be.

Instead of just believing everything that’s spoon-fed to you via mass media (who exists solely for ratings, not to help you live an informed life,) why don’t people actually check something out for themselves? I realize it’s a lot of work to read instead of regurgitate, but give it a shot. Pretend you’re actually at the top of the food chain for a reason. If someone says something that you don’t want to readily believe, then try this novel concept: don’t. Look it up, research it, and you may potentially prove an idiot wrong.

Anyways, enough of a tangent. With the aforementioned next generation in mind, here are a few tips to help you raise your hellspawn to not be as insulting to evolution as yourselves:

• Buy them a chemistry set. I’m not talking about the bullshit “baking soda & vinegar” kits, like those shown here. I mean actual chemistry. I got one when I was a kid, and I learned about polymers, pH, and various chemicals. One absolute necessity that kids need to learn is something along the lines of potassium nitrate & sugar; it’s easy to make, can teach them about the dangers of some chemicals and the need for safety and knowledge in science, and is, for some reason, abandoned in current society. You won’t appreciate or understand science without hands-on experience at an early age.
• Encourage “Why?” I can’t possibly convey how important this is for both parties involved. When your three year-old kid asks the never-ending question, supply them with actual answers. As soon as you say “it just is,” you teach the acceptance of things we don’t understand, which is the slippery slope that got you on the couch, reveling in ignorance. This also will eventually make you look shit up too, since they’re gonna ask questions about subjects you long since abandoned.
• Stop the safety crap. I had metal around me as a kid, I had hot things, and sharp things. I’m not dead, and I’m relatively intelligent because of my mistakes and experiences. I’m not saying faceplant your kid into a stovetop, but taking away every danger from them until they try to cut paper with a pair of scissors duller than their own fingernails is moronic. Show them how to use a knife and other tools lying around the house. Better that they learn before curiosity gets them, right?

Alright, that’s enough from Jake’s DayCare. The next time you want to watch an investigative report, gimme a call. I need practice berating stupid people.

Related:

A guy from TED talks about child safety. An incredible lecture that will reinforce what should come as common sense to any intelligent parent.