This week’s post is about common misconceptions. Like Mythbusters on a slow week with no ideas, I’m going to break down some common phrases in what will be nothing short of a hysterical and mind-altering blog posting, unless of course you can’t read English. In that case, bonjour amigo.

First, there’s the oft-used phrase of “crime doesn’t pay.” It hasn’t been said often recently, but I can remember the phrase being used more than a barf bag on an airplane with a drunk pilot. Parents, teachers, and the 5-0 themselves plastered this phrase all over the place in an attempt to sway us from the horrible dark side of criminality. Anyone with the slightest amount of logic in their brain was quietly thinking the following: if crime doesn’t pay, then why are there criminals? Crime doesn’t take a whole lot of prior experience or special talent to commit (unless you don’t like jail,) pays well, doesn’t get declared and will probably score you points amongst the opposite sex. People love badasses. Granted, there’s a slight difference between knocking over a 7-11 and stealing from the Louvre in terms of skill needed, but you get the idea. Where there’s more risk (and crime in general raises this a little,) there’s more reward.

Second, we have the entire concept of Hell. Yes, I know - I’m an atheist. I know it doesn’t exist, but humor me for a minute. I’ve had several people tell me I’m going there as if it were a bad thing. Personally, I think I’d like the imaginary place more than Heaven. If you’re prone to having sex without the whole “lifetime commitment of marriage” thing tying you down, or if you enjoy saying “God dammit” a lot while working a 9-5 on a Sunday and going back to your apartment with your “alternative lifestyle partner,” chances are you’re going to this imaginary place, according to Christianity. However, if you’re a prude with a severely narrow concept of life and willing to commit your entire life that could be spent doing something far more rewarding than talking to an imaginary friend, you’ll go to Heaven.

So, which of those two groups sounds more fun? I’ve met Christians, and I’ve met everyone else. It seems that everyone else would be a lot more fun to spend eternity with, especially if it’s only the fundies that make it up to Heaven. If nothing else, at least I think I’d rather hang out in the sub-tropics (lame joke,) and this post probably secured a comfy spot there.

So, feel this post is shitty? Are you a fundamentalist who wants to show off you Christian ways by threatening my life? Let me know in the comments below. Remember, crime pays well, but the benefits suck.