[pronoun] is [crazy/an asshole]
So, you sit down at a small table for two that requires you to practically grope each other as you sit down. You are in a beautiful, nondescript brick corner of the restaurant that gives you nothing to gaze at, except deeply into each other’s eyes. She laughs at all of your jokes. He doesn’t say a goddamn thing and only listens. Sounds like the perfect date, right?
Except in ten minutes, he’ll find out she’s got five warrants for assault and battery with two restraining orders, and she’ll realize he’s a neo-Nazi waiting for the reformation of the Third Reich.
We’ve all had bad dates, with those of us in the minority who are destined to marry the first person we dated (enjoy your 50% chance of divorce before you hit 30, by the way.) The only good part of a horrifically bad date that ends with your friends picking you up from jail/the oil rig/the hospital missing an arm is the fact that you’ve got both a great story to share and experience.
Without further adieu, I bring you my semi-generic dating horrors!
- First Girlfriend - she had an arrest record at 16, for assault and battery (for those of you who know me, this will set the trend for my dating preferences.) There really isn’t much else I can say about that. Use your imagination to come up with our dates.
- First “Blind Date” - I hate having to throw in the disclaimer, but I know I’ll take massive amounts of heat for saying this. I wouldn’t describe myself as shallow, and I’m far from the most attractive man you’ll meet, but this girl was damn near the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. I can only hope she got a large amount of surgery in the last seven years, or she’s destined for the convent. I’m not exaggerating either. Poor girl wasn’t all that bright, either, which killed the dinner conversation and demonstrated that there is no God.
There are others, most of them consisting of either the standard stories (caught by the parents) or the Penthouse forums-esque material, and I run a clean blog. Well, cleaner than the average beastiality site.
So, loyal readers, share your stories! The stranger and funnier, the better. Just remember the rules: 1. No names (aside from your own, that is.) 2. Really, they’re supposed to be funny, if anything. Don’t fuck it all up and depress us.
Even if you don’t have a story to share, feel free to comment on the shittiness of my two listed experiences, or my shallow and vacuous dating preferences. It’ll be a hootenanny-shenanigan-extravaganza!
I went on a date with a girl I met online once. She had looked all cute and all in her pictures. In person, she was larger than me (in the same way a bodybuilder is larger than, say, Steve Urkel), and spent the whole date talking about breaking windows and people.
Good times.
I exchanged numbers with this guy who worked at Best Buy. He was cute in a nerdy way (I’m usually attracted to those types), and he looked to be about mid to late 20’s.
When we met for a drink, about 15 minutes of conversation let me to realize he was 36, recently divorced, and had two small children. My shock turned the whole thing awkward VERY quickly. To make it worse, he ended the date saying “I haven’t dated in a long time, so I’m not sure how this went. Call me if you want to get together again.”
I didn’t call, even to say I wasn’t interested in someone with young kids. I still feel a little bad about it.
No fatties.
Also, I’ve only had two girlfriends and barely have been on any actual ‘dates,’ so my stories don’t really fit.
But, no fatties.