So, in case you weren’t sure from the less-than-clear title, today’s post is about golf. No, I won’t dispense tips on how to improve your swing, or take two strokes off your game, guaranteed. Despite my incredibly pasty complexion, I’m not good at golf in any sense of the word. No, today, I’m going to tell you what you need to do to look good at golf, and make people think you’re good, without actually being good (I imagine this sort of strategy is also applied to the average cubicle-dweller’s occupation.) It’s ok though, I’m a doctor. First, we have:

• Attire -I can’t stress the importance of this enough. If you aren’t wearing golf clothes, you won’t get recognized as a golfer even if you pull a 72 over 18 holes (that’s a good score, right?) So, off to the store with you, to pick up the following:

• Golf Pants - Some plaid pants should help you blend in with the crowd, which would normally seem counterintuitive. However, in golf, there’s a rule of thumb that can help you if you’re unsure - if they would make Ray Charles flinch, you’re going in the right direction. Here’s a helpful suggestion:

• Hat - This is a specific piece of clothing that many people hit the middle road on, which is truly saddening. As far as I can tell, a hat in golf is the one place where you can truly express your personal attitude and sense of style. So, skip the standard visor and try something truly unique. Personally, I prefer a straw cowboy hat to complement my aviator sunglasses, but to each his own. Remember, this is sort of like Barbie, but we’re striving for offensive color schemes and general ugliness.
• Shirt - I tried here, I really did. Again, keep the colors as garish as possible. I can’t really coach you any more on this specific item, so the best I can do is offer an example:

All I could find was an image of a ladies’ shirt, but trust me, they make a men’s horrifically-ugly pink polo shirt. A friend of mine, who shall remain unknown to protect his dignity, has worn such a crime against humanity on several occasions.

• Do anything except swing - For some reason, the more “professional” you become as a golfer, the less your actual swing comes into play. So, for you to uphold the image of a PGA-touring pro, you need to delay hitting the ball as much as possible. Rip some grass off of the ground, then toss it gently into the air in front of you. Kneel down, club in hand, and stare off into the distance, and think of some difficult math problem. Swing the club next to the ball, “practicing” for a swing that will never happen if all goes as planned. Do whatever you can to delay the swing, and you’ll have people in awe of your obvious skill.

Well, those are the tips for today. There may be later installments with tips for the green-challenged, such as how to use an airhorn effectively, or golf cart driving tips. It all depends on how much I feel like it. At least I’m honest.