• Attire -I can’t stress the importance of this enough. If you aren’t wearing golf clothes, you won’t get recognized as a golfer even if you pull a 72 over 18 holes (that’s a good score, right?) So, off to the store with you, to pick up the following:

• Golf Pants - Some plaid pants should help you blend in with the crowd, which would normally seem counterintuitive. However, in golf, there’s a rule of thumb that can help you if you’re unsure - if they would make Ray Charles flinch, you’re going in the right direction. Here’s a helpful suggestion:

• Hat - This is a specific piece of clothing that many people hit the middle road on, which is truly saddening. As far as I can tell, a hat in golf is the one place where you can truly express your personal attitude and sense of style. So, skip the standard visor and try something truly unique. Personally, I prefer a straw cowboy hat to complement my aviator sunglasses, but to each his own. Remember, this is sort of like Barbie, but we’re striving for offensive color schemes and general ugliness.
• Shirt - I tried here, I really did. Again, keep the colors as garish as possible. I can’t really coach you any more on this specific item, so the best I can do is offer an example:

All I could find was an image of a ladies’ shirt, but trust me, they make a men’s horrifically-ugly pink polo shirt. A friend of mine, who shall remain unknown to protect his dignity, has worn such a crime against humanity on several occasions.

• Do anything except swing - For some reason, the more “professional” you become as a golfer, the less your actual swing comes into play. So, for you to uphold the image of a PGA-touring pro, you need to delay hitting the ball as much as possible. Rip some grass off of the ground, then toss it gently into the air in front of you. Kneel down, club in hand, and stare off into the distance, and think of some difficult math problem. Swing the club next to the ball, “practicing” for a swing that will never happen if all goes as planned. Do whatever you can to delay the swing, and you’ll have people in awe of your obvious skill.

Well, those are the tips for today. There may be later installments with tips for the green-challenged, such as how to use an airhorn effectively, or golf cart driving tips. It all depends on how much I feel like it. At least I’m honest.

First, we have one I always find hilarious. The opening lines of Trainspotting:

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

It’s a great counterpoint to the standard lifestyle that people find themselves following, stuck in a rut they never knew existed. On top of that, you can’t really argue against it, since he mentions at the end that he only cares about heroin, and there’s no real reason to do what he does other than the drug itself. Great movie too, if you haven’t seen it yet.

Second, we have Doug Stanhope. The following quote was the end of a five-minute long rant about how even the most devout people are realistic by nature, reacting to their surroundings in a way that’s completely logical, rather than religious (to be fair, I can’t really explain it at all. You have to scrounge around the net to find the entire standup routine.) Anyways, after getting fives minutes of laughter and cheers, he ends his rant with this:

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I thought it was absolutely beautiful. The only thing that could have made the line better was if he dropped the mic after saying it, walked off the stage, taken two shots of tequila without stopping and knocked a man out with a single punch on the way out. The delivery was that good, in my opinion.

Alright, enough about what I find hilarious that other people have said. Your turn, kids.

• A 2007 episode of the American news magazine 60 Minutes entitled The Age Of The Millenials proposed that members of the generation are exceptionally tech-savvy, are especially tuned to their own value in the job market, have limited loyalty to any particular employer, and insist on working in a stimulating job environment.^[12]
• They represent more than 70 million consumers in the United States. They earn a total annual income of about $211 billion, spend approximately $172 billion per year and strongly influence many adult consumer buying choices. They also face a greater degree of direct corporate marketing than any other generation in history.^[10]

The first one obviously applies to me specifically, since I’m a humongous geek and don’t really endorse corporations in general. The second one is descriptive more of my (our?) generation overall, since viral marketing and other devious sales methods have taken over the standard ads of our parents’ time.

Anyways, the purpose of this random rambling post is to ask you what you think of (y)our generation. Do any of the generalizations of (y)our generation apply to you? Do you tend to listen to an iPod while sifting through YouTube videos and researching on Wikipedia for your next paper/project/report to a boss you have more than a slight disdaain for? Well, you Doritos munching, Mountain Dew guzzling extreme snowboarder, let us know.

For those of you who know me, you’ll know that I don’t play sports. I’ve never been a fan of sports in general, since it’s become a low-risk, high-pay circle jerk of steroid-addled people. However, I’ve always been a fan of keeping oneself in shape and having general physical skills, so two big topics that come to mind are parkour and Joe Eigo.

Parkour is probably better known in the states as free-running (you know, that thing that the guy does in the beginning of Casino Royale?) David Belle is considered the unofficial father of parkour, so who better to see than him?

Also, I apologize for the bad music in these. Sometimes people shouldn’t be allowed to do their own versions of videos. Ever.

And, just to mix it up, here’s some general free running:

Then, we come to Joe Eigo. I first heard about this guy while I was in high school (6+ years ago,) and as far as I can tell, he’s still up to the same shit. A mix of capoeira, gymnastics and general craziness, this guy’s older videos are addicting as hell. It’s gotta be watched to be truly understood.

If you decide to search for either of these guys, you’ll find a ton of videos of their various achievements over the years. And with that, I bid you adeiu.

First, electromagnetic interference. We’ve all experienced it, it’s just not that we always know what it is. You know that hissing sound you get through your speakers sometimes when you have other devices near them? Hurray, you’ve found interference! It’s a simple fix though, that a whole herd of nerds in white labcoats solved years ago. Ready for it? Eh? Eh?  It’s… ferrite beads! These small chunks of metal can be bought from almost any electronics place, and at $0.25 apiece, there’s no real reason why you shouldn’t use them to solve your problem (they’re even cheaper if you cut them out of some old cables, like this guy shows.)

The second problem, one that I’ve encountered at work, is that people don’t know what to do when you get water in a device. The solution is intimidating, but simpler than it first seems. Here’s what you do: get an ice cube tray, a notepad if you’re forgetful, and a screwdriver that’ll fit the outermost screws of whatever device you’re about to take apart (most phones take torx screwdrivers, and hide the screws behind rubber stoppers.) Now, start taking out the case screws, making small notes that fit inside the ice cube tray to describe where each type of screw went, then put the screws in the same slot. Once you’ve got the outermost case off, simply place the device out in the sun until there’s no more water inside, then reverse the process. You’d be surprised at how much abuse a PCB (that green board inside all of those expensive black/silver boxes you buy) can take. Oh, and if you’re unlucky enough to spill something other than water in the device, for the love of god, don’t turn it on again and run it until it stops working. That is a guaranteed way to corrode the circuitry, and once that happens, good luck getting the device to work again. Ever. Dipshit.

Ok, now it’s time for the debunking section of Dr. Jake’s Electronics 101 (that’s right, I bought my doctorate from Jamaica. I still get the title, damn you!) This one is reserved specially for the retarded little stickers (usually low-frequency RFID clones) that some retard thought would be a good idea to place somewhere on your phone to “boost the signal.” Look, lemme make this simple. It doesn’t work. No, don’t even fucking argue. It doesn’t work. Your cell phone sends a signal using the internal antenna, and you’re putting a goddam sticker on the outside of the case in some vain attempt to make up for the antenna that was scrapped in the name of style. If you really want to try to boost the signal, you can always try adding to the internal antenna, but even then, you’re only helping your reception, since the transmitted signal will now be limited by the power of your phone (the fact that it even sends a signal at 800MHz for such a long period of time reliably at a decent distance should leave you scratching your head in awe.)

Anyways, this post has rambled on long enough, and I probably put both of you to sleep with random tech crap. So, did these tech tips help? Let me hear it in the comments section.

First, we have Elephants Dream. Created by the “Orange Open Movie Team,” it’s a strange, pointless film about an old dude who seems to get crazier over time and the appropriately named ‘Emo,” the poor bastard-child that has to follow him around. You can download the movie in a buttload of formats and resolutions, including the geek’s wet dream, 1080p.

I know YouTube’s res is crap, but you get the idea for the movie.

Secondly, we have “Big Buck Bunny.” Backed by Blender (the same group that backed “Orange,”) and created by the “Peach Movie Team,” this movie’s about a fat rodent who’s harassed by three smaller rodents. I thought it was pretty funny, but I’m also a CG movie fan, so take it for what it’s worth.

While the first two movies are backed by Blender and incorporate open-source, creative commons licensing, they aren’t my personal favorite. It’s not exactly open source, but the person who made it distributes it freely, and the movie itself is incredible. So… Kiwi!

Oh, and check out Kiwi!’s actual site. I posted YouTube links for all of these movies due to the ADD-infested brains of the average Internet user, but the embedded videos on this post don’t do the movies justice. Providing all of the materials used to make the movie is a huge step forward in free(er) media in my mind, so lemme know if you’ve got any open media projects to share with the rest of the class.

First, “Black Hole is a Racist Term.” To truly grasp the stupidity of this fiasco though, you have to see the news story on it, which makes everyone in it look like an idiot, and secured the reporter’s place in mediocrity.

Second, we have the infamous “Pool’s Closed” fiasco, which has spread much like herpes via loved ones who think you should know about it. Just check out the news story, and another YouTube video!

Look, I’m no fan of racism, but this is getting retarded. We can’t possibly become so politically correct that using the terms “black” or “white” innocuously will be considered insensitive. If anything, I vote we should be more insensitive, in all forms of the word. If two of us are different, it should be a joking matter. In the other sense of the word, you shouldn’t start screaming “OMG RACISM” at the first sign of a black man in a poster just because you don’t get the joke. Sensitivity camps and politically correct language that is longer than the term replaced aren’t solutions (”Caucasian.” Really? Just call me “white.”)

To keep this on the lighter side though, I’m going to quote Maddox, for the ultimate reason to use the word “black” instead of “African American”:

First of all, the label “African American” is the dumbest, most persistently used phrase in our vernacular. Every time you call someone an “African American,” you’re making at least two assumptions about the person:

1. That the person is an American. For example, if you saw this guy walking along on a street, you would probably think:

…which is fine, except for one small detail: this man is British, which makes you a presumptuous cock.

2. That the person is African (because it’s inconceivable that black people could come from Haiti, India, Trinidad, Dominican Republic, Brazil, Australia, or Jamaica). Nevermind that; BLACK PEOPLE ONLY COME FROM AFRICA.

So, thoughts? Oh, and since my ancestors weren’t actually from the Caucasus region, I prefer to be called “Danish-German-maybe-Irish-because-his-ancestors-got-around-American.”

So, what are the real causes that need to be rallied behind and fought for? Well, I don’t know - unlimited food, world peace and human rights all seem nice, albeit idealistic goals. Instead, I’m going to point out some causes that don’t have a simple solution, but should at least give perspective to you the next time you consider “protecting the animals” by eating salads while you continue to use the newest cell phone, laptop, and services that make our first-world society so much more comfortable than those other places, like… you know, that place with the dirt, and huts and stuff.

• Coltan - a mineral used in consumer electronics (read: everything you own that lights up) that is mined illegaly and is a real-world, modern version of the movie “Blood Diamond” (though that specific industry exists as well.) Companies need this mineral to build the devices we use, pay anyone who can supply it, and the military forces in the areas naturally rich in this mineral know it. This article also provides some background about the conflict, although it’s slanted against Sony.
• E-Waste - I imagine most of you already know about this one, since its catchy name has gotten it onto most major news networks in the U.S. The breakdown of electronics in countries we often don’t pay attention to is a big industry, providing money (at the expense of health and habitat) to those who break it down, and saving money for companies that export it. Finding an article that would actually point out exact figures was nearly impossible, but you can Google it yourself to get a hazy idea of how much money is potentially involved.
• Chinese Coal Mining - Okay, we can be off the hook for this one, since the industry is question is providing energy almost solely for China itself. However, with “official” reports saying 3,800 lives were lost in a single year (over 10 people a day, and the figures given are conservative,) this industry is nothing to lose a canary at.
• Ship-breaking - This industry is a minimal-tools, hands-on appraoch to scrap metal reclamation. Thousands of workers rip apart everything on oil tankers, cargo ships and other floating monstrosities to be resold to the companies that made the ships in the first place. The people who own the ship-breaking yards have a huge profit margin since workers don’t really get, well, anything. The companies that make the ships get to cut costs, and the only one who loses in this deal is the worker, who trades life and limb for a living.

Since we all know I’m by no means an activist, what was the point of showing you all of this? Well, I’m getting sick of seeing people telling us that removing GE crops and meat from our diets will somehow change the world. Our way of life, including the ever-falling cost of luxuries, is dependant on the suffering and efforts of others. We aren’t going to change the fact that we depend on cell phones, laptops, and cruise ships, so we might want to gain perspective instead and stop acting like we’re going to change the world by swapping out cheesburgers for tofu.

The point of the above picture is to show a basic human trait: sexuality. Sex sells, quite literally, on many street corners. It gets higher ratings for shows that hint at it with innuendo and bedsheets/props that cleverly cover the “fun parts” of the characters. News programs that give any sort of story about sexual scandal glue viewers to their screens. And lets not forget advertising, where tits, ass, and everything in between are used to sell you the most unrelated products known to man (here’s some boobs, buy this muffler and computer.)

Sexuality itself is a moot issue for the scope of this post; men and women’s bodies are used in equal manner to sell crap and get viewers (and who you fuck isn’t any of my business, unless I’m the one you’re fucking.) We’re all human, so we all experience it, unless you happen to be a eunuch whose diets consists mainly of salt peter.

So, the $3.79 question is: Why the hell do we censor something that we all know and at least half of us possess? Sex isn’t that much of a secret, and really, half of us have the very body parts we’re trying to censor (100% in the case of butts, which I can’t even begin to understand.)

I leave the quandry, the proposed inquisition to you then, my loyal reader(s?). Why are we allowed to watch explosions, death, destruction, and every possible other “horrible” thing on every medium available, but when it comes to sex, the black bars are broken out?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to show that you, yes you, the strong-willed, all-knowing, infallible youth with the busy jet-set lifestyle, are just as impressionable as the rest of us.

This post isn’t meant to depress anyone beyond what a decent night of drinking can cure; rather, it’s to demonstrate how some of the greatest atocities might have been committed without resorting to stereotyping everyone who was involved with them.

So, on to science!

First, we have the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment, which caused standards to be set worldwide to prevent it from ever occuring again. For those of you who need the Cliff’s Notes, a professor took 24 people and shoved them into two roles: prisoner and guard. Within a day, the “prisoners” filled their roles, taking abuse from the guards and following their orders, etc - knowing full well that these “guards” were just some of their jackass peers. The “guards” were no exception, with some resorting to violence to oppress and harass their charges. There are a number of flaws with the experiment itself (keep in mind 24 semi-random people are not representative of any population,) but it’s a great introduction into human nature.

Our second foray into homosapien depravity is the Milgram experiment, a testament to how much people are willing to listen to someone in a labcoat. Again, Cliff’s Notes: labcoat guy tells jackass to zap some poor bastard every time they get an answer wrong. Poor bastard meets jackass, tells jackass (s)he has a heart condition. Jackass proceeds to zap poor bastard to around 450 volts (doesn’t mention amps, but I’m guessing the amperage was enough to be “lethal.”) Jackass claims that “following the orders of the guy in the labcoat” is an excuse.

So why do I regale you with tales of horror and complacency? Well, it’s not to explain or condone the actions of anyone involved with the various genocides, puppy kickings, or dropped ice creams of the world, but there’s something to think about in the two experiments, I think. Each person should be held responsible for their own actions, regardless of who told them to do it or what role they were in. However, it’s easy to play off the experiments and look around at the events happening in the world saying, “I could never do that.” I just thought it’d be nice to offer some perspective on the matter.

Anyways, what do you, my loyal two readers, think? Experiments too lacking in scientific rigor? Author’s head disproportionate to his body? Goose-stepping and in denial because a guy in a labcoat told you to do it? I gotta make sure I buy one of those labcoats sometime…