So, in case you weren’t sure from the less-than-clear title, today’s post is about golf. No, I won’t dispense tips on how to improve your swing, or take two strokes off your game, guaranteed. Despite my incredibly pasty complexion, I’m not good at golf in any sense of the word. No, today, I’m going to tell you what you need to do to look good at golf, and make people think you’re good, without actually being good (I imagine this sort of strategy is also applied to the average cubicle-dweller’s occupation.) It’s ok though, I’m a doctor. First, we have:

• Attire -I can’t stress the importance of this enough. If you aren’t wearing golf clothes, you won’t get recognized as a golfer even if you pull a 72 over 18 holes (that’s a good score, right?) So, off to the store with you, to pick up the following:

• Golf Pants - Some plaid pants should help you blend in with the crowd, which would normally seem counterintuitive. However, in golf, there’s a rule of thumb that can help you if you’re unsure - if they would make Ray Charles flinch, you’re going in the right direction. Here’s a helpful suggestion:

• Hat - This is a specific piece of clothing that many people hit the middle road on, which is truly saddening. As far as I can tell, a hat in golf is the one place where you can truly express your personal attitude and sense of style. So, skip the standard visor and try something truly unique. Personally, I prefer a straw cowboy hat to complement my aviator sunglasses, but to each his own. Remember, this is sort of like Barbie, but we’re striving for offensive color schemes and general ugliness.
• Shirt - I tried here, I really did. Again, keep the colors as garish as possible. I can’t really coach you any more on this specific item, so the best I can do is offer an example:

All I could find was an image of a ladies’ shirt, but trust me, they make a men’s horrifically-ugly pink polo shirt. A friend of mine, who shall remain unknown to protect his dignity, has worn such a crime against humanity on several occasions.

• Do anything except swing - For some reason, the more “professional” you become as a golfer, the less your actual swing comes into play. So, for you to uphold the image of a PGA-touring pro, you need to delay hitting the ball as much as possible. Rip some grass off of the ground, then toss it gently into the air in front of you. Kneel down, club in hand, and stare off into the distance, and think of some difficult math problem. Swing the club next to the ball, “practicing” for a swing that will never happen if all goes as planned. Do whatever you can to delay the swing, and you’ll have people in awe of your obvious skill.

Well, those are the tips for today. There may be later installments with tips for the green-challenged, such as how to use an airhorn effectively, or golf cart driving tips. It all depends on how much I feel like it. At least I’m honest.

Today’s post is another semi-lighthearted foray into the wonderful world of quotes. No, I won’t barrage you with a bunch of prose I somehow feel is relevant to my life, even though it was last spoken by some jackass who died three centuries before I was born. Instead, I’m just going to throw out some quotes that I’ve either thought of while writing this post today, or ones I’ve always thought were funny as hell. No more, no less. There’ll be a quiz on this at the end of class.

First, we have one I always find hilarious. The opening lines of Trainspotting:

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

It’s a great counterpoint to the standard lifestyle that people find themselves following, stuck in a rut they never knew existed. On top of that, you can’t really argue against it, since he mentions at the end that he only cares about heroin, and there’s no real reason to do what he does other than the drug itself. Great movie too, if you haven’t seen it yet.

Second, we have Doug Stanhope. The following quote was the end of a five-minute long rant about how even the most devout people are realistic by nature, reacting to their surroundings in a way that’s completely logical, rather than religious (to be fair, I can’t really explain it at all. You have to scrounge around the net to find the entire standup routine.) Anyways, after getting fives minutes of laughter and cheers, he ends his rant with this:

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I thought it was absolutely beautiful. The only thing that could have made the line better was if he dropped the mic after saying it, walked off the stage, taken two shots of tequila without stopping and knocked a man out with a single punch on the way out. The delivery was that good, in my opinion.

Alright, enough about what I find hilarious that other people have said. Your turn, kids.

Typically, I don’t buy into the whole “generation <insert letter here>” thing. It applies labels to massive groups of people that usually have jack shit in common with each other (as if I have a damn thing to do with some 14 year-old dipshit, just because he was born in the same “generation” as me.) Earlier today though, I was reading about our generation on Wikipedia when some of the generalizations started to apply to me.

• A 2007 episode of the American news magazine 60 Minutes entitled The Age Of The Millenials proposed that members of the generation are exceptionally tech-savvy, are especially tuned to their own value in the job market, have limited loyalty to any particular employer, and insist on working in a stimulating job environment.^[12]
• They represent more than 70 million consumers in the United States. They earn a total annual income of about $211 billion, spend approximately $172 billion per year and strongly influence many adult consumer buying choices. They also face a greater degree of direct corporate marketing than any other generation in history.^[10]

The first one obviously applies to me specifically, since I’m a humongous geek and don’t really endorse corporations in general. The second one is descriptive more of my (our?) generation overall, since viral marketing and other devious sales methods have taken over the standard ads of our parents’ time.

Anyways, the purpose of this random rambling post is to ask you what you think of (y)our generation. Do any of the generalizations of (y)our generation apply to you? Do you tend to listen to an iPod while sifting through YouTube videos and researching on Wikipedia for your next paper/project/report to a boss you have more than a slight disdaain for? Well, you Doritos munching, Mountain Dew guzzling extreme snowboarder, let us know.